- Mr. Johnson
- Mrs. Johnson
A customer, Mr. Johnson, comes into a small British brick shop looking for a cheap brick to fill a hole in the path in his garden. We are introduced to the variety of bricks in various shapes, sizes, colours and most importantly, types and uses.
A brick shop in England. Modern times. The shop is fairly dark and there are shelves of different kinds of bricks in the background. The shopkeeper is standing behind a counter located on the left of the set while the entrance to the shop is on the right of the set.
Different bricks the shopkeeper uses in his examples:
- Noisy neighbours - black brick
- Strangers - brick with “I beg your pardon” written on it
- Yanks - red, white and blue brick with American flag
- Colleagues - brick with a bow tie
- Noisy children - small brick
- Wives - brick with lace
- Soft, fake brick
Script - to be read in English accents
Mr. Johnson: (coming into the shop) Hello there!
Shopkeeper: (turning around from behind the counter) Well, hello!
Mr. Johnson: I would like to buy a brick.
Shopkeeper: Well, you’ve come to the right place then! What kind of brick are you looking for?
Mr. Johnson: Well, I’m not sure actually. I’ve never had the need to buy a brick before. I know it’s about so big (making size gesture with hands). It’s red and….
Shopkeeper: (interrupting Mr. Johnson) Never had the need to buy a brick before, eh? What are you? American?
Mr. Johnson: (confused/agitated) I beg your pardon?
Shopkeeper: Oh, never mind that. What are you looking to use the brick for?
Mr. Johnson: Well, I have a hole in the path in my garden…
Shopkeeper: (interrupting Mr. Johnson) I’m sorry, we don’t have any of those kind, I’m afraid.
Mr. Johnson: (surprised) What?
Shopkeeper: We don’t have any bricks of that sort, I’m afraid.
Mr. Johnson: But this is a brick shop!
Shopkeeper: Oh, I’m well aware of that, sir.
Mr. Johnson: Well, what do you have then?
Shopkeeper: Well, we have speciality bricks, sir. Quite a variety actually. (walking towards the shelves in the background, picking up the neighbours brick) We have bricks for silencing noisy neighbours, (picking up the strangers brick) bricks for complete strangers, (picking up the colleague's brick) bricks for annoying colleagues, (picking up the yank brick) bricks for silencing those obnoxious yanks -- atrocious accent, really, don’t you think so?
Mr. Johnson: (mumbling) I...
Shopkeeper: (taking no notice of Mr. Johnson, picking up the children brick) Bricks for noisy children -- do you have children? Frightful creatures, they are. (picking up the wives brick) And bricks for silencing wives.
(The Shopkeeper puts the children brick back on the shelf, then turns and faces Mr. Johnson. He puts his hands on his hips and there is a slight pause as they look at each other in awkward silence.)
Shopkeeper: Well, what will it be then?
Mr. Johnson: (frustrated) I don’t think you understand, sir. I don’t need any of these kinds of bricks. I need an ordinary brick. A plain, simple brick. Red in colour. Rectangular in shape. (making hand gestures to indicate rectangular shaped brick) I don’t need a brick with lace or a bow tie on it. I need one suitable for stepping on. You don’t just have a plain, ordinary red brick?
Shopkeeper: (looking defeated) Well, we do have…
(Mrs. Johnson suddenly comes running into the shop, interrupting the Shopkeeper. She is angry at Mr. Johnson. Mr. Johnson quickly turns around to face Mrs. Johnson.)
Mrs. Johnson: (angrily) What are you doing here?
Mr. Johnson: I...
Mrs. Johnson: (interrupting Mr. Johnson) I’ll tell you what you’re doing! You’re spending more money! That’s what! You’re always spending all the money! All the money! Why don’t get a job, you lazy bum!
Mr. Johnson: I do have a job! I don’t see you getting your lazy self out of bed every morning and going to work!
Mrs. Johnson: Lazy bum! Always spending all the money! All the money! Never working, always spending… (continuing to complain, getting quieter, becoming background noise)
(Mrs. Johnson continues to complain, but only in the background. She takes no notice whatsoever of what the Shopkeeper and Mr. Johnson are about to say or do. Mr. Johnson and the Shopkeeper lean in closer to each other and speak in the foreground.)
Shopkeeper: (whispering to Mr. Johnson) Would you like to give the wife brick a go? (winks)
Mr. Johnson: (looking over his shoulder at his wife, then back at Shopkeeper and whispering) Yeah, might be for the better.
(The Shopkeeper hands Mr. Johnson the fake wife brick while Mrs. Johnson continues to complain.)
Mr. Johnson: Thank you, sir.
(Mr. Johnson turns around and throws the fake wife brick at Mrs. Johnson. She falls to the ground unconscious.)
Mr. Johnson: (turning to the Shopkeeper) Well! I’ll take two of those then.